Toxic Trade

Looking to trade a wonderful 3 bed 2 bath 1 car garage, Saltwater pool and Waterfall spa, Privacy fenced, All Top of the Line modern Stainless Steel appliances. Home in Ft. Lauderdale Florida for a home on acreage in East TX. Values negotiable. This home is central to everything and in a great location, On a large lake, Next to a beautiful Playground/exercise course maintained by the city, and in a 1 way in neighborhood. No HOA. I would be willing to carry the loan or just exchange paper. Let me know if you are interested and we can work out the details.

To: Home Owner

We are very interested in your offer. We have 120 Acres with a house in East Texas and are looking to retire to Florida. Call us xxx-xxx-xxxx

To: Trolling Craig

I tried calling for 2 days and it is always busy. Can you tell me about the property.

Thanks,

Jim

To: Jim

Jim, sorry about the phone thing. We have a 32 year old son that is mentally retarded and was born with severe birth defects and many times he plays with the phone. It should work now. But the property is really nice. We have lived here for 33 years and have taken really good care of the place. The house is 5 bedrooms and the property is closer to 125 acres but it generates about $11,000 a month income.

Gloria

To: Trolling Craig

I am sorry to hear about your son. My wife and I are hoping to have kids soon. $11,000???? Income. Wow from what?

To: Jim

Actually it is paying for our retirement. LOL. We have a long term storage contract with a local energy company. The contract is expiring but we…or you the new owners will have the option for renewing.

To: Trolling Craig

Storage of what?

To: Jim

I don’t really know. Just a bunch of rusty metal barrels. They use to bury them out yonder by the water well, but now they just stack on the back of the property. Are you a hunter because we have great hunting  on the place.

To: Trolling Craig

Are you pulling my leg? That sounds like a bunch of toxic waste. You can’t be serious. No I do not hunt.

To: Jim

It is perfectly harmless. Everything is thriving around here. I think it is some kind of green energy or something. The wildlife doesn’t seem affected. I have even seen squirrels licking at the leaking barrels. Which brings me back to the hunting thing. Even if you are not a hunter, you could lease the hunting rights to others. We have some HUGE….and I mean HUGE squirrels around here. Dog size or better.

To: Trolling Craig

Holy Shit. No I am not interested. I think you should contact a lawyer. I think that toxic waste could be responsible for your son’s birth defects. Good luck.

To Jim:

I appreciate your concern but, our son was born fine. He became retarded after the umbilical cord got wrapped around one of his necks and stopped the blood flow to the brain. The other head is just fine and has a job at the local Dairy Queen.

To: Trolling Craig

Please stop. We have changed our mind. We are not moving to Texas.

Say Hello to my fat friend

I am a 43 year old woman. I have done all kinds of work. but for the last 10 years its been mainly janitorial.. i have tons of energy,loves to stay busy. i am having to find other work. due to my arms,elbows. i have double carpal tunnel and double tennis in both elbows. so i try not to mess them up. have has shots to the max. so i am hoping to find more work.
my work history ranges from OTR driver for 15 years,Class A I do have, also working work a roofing company as many things, office ,sales,cleaner,production(company closed and moved away).drove school bus for head start,daycare ,tried for gwinnett county but was told i was too fat(by two inches),i have worked as a cna.at the daycare i was the bus driver/cook..
so if your needing an older woman to work for you or if you would just give me a chance(you will not regret it),i would greatly appreciate it.
i just cant keep slinging commercial mops all day or the heavy floor equipment that i have.

To: Jobseeker

I have a job for you. Are you interested?

To: Trolling Craig

Yes. What is the job and what is the pay?

Melissa

To: Melissa

First I need to ask you a couple questions. Is this a secure line? OK. Do you have any weapons training and how many languages do you speak?

To: Trolling Craig

Is this a joke?

To: Melissa

Hardly. It is a job of National Security and I think you may be the perfect person. I have accepted a contract to eliminate a certain Iranian politician but I cannot find a pet sitter for my cat so I need to sub-contract the job out. You would be perfect.

To: Trolling Craig

I don’t know anything about Iran.

To: Melissa

Not a problem. I just need somebody that looks good in a burka and is pretty thick. I bought a burka but it is an extra large. Are you fat? You sound a little fat. You don’t even need to know how to speak Arabic. Women are not allowed to talk there. I just need you to hide a small rocket launcher under your She-Tent and when he tries to make the mad camel love to you….pull it out and let him say hello to your little friend. Are you in?

To: Trolling Craig

You are an asshole. I knew I should not have put this on CL.

To: Mellisa

Is that a no?

The Bitchseat

I need a ride from Denver to Dallas and can help drive and share expenses. I don’t have much luggage, I have a small dog in a doggie carrier. I can leave at anytime. Please respond or call XXX-XXX-XXXX and ask for Pat. Thank you.

To Pat:

I am heading to Dallas tomorrow. If you can pitch in for gas you are welcome. How much luggage do you have? I don’t have much room my Cousin is coming too.

To: Trolling Craig

I have one bag and a small dog. I will gladly pay for gas the whole way. Can you pick me up at the Denny’s on Havana?

To: Pat

Not a problem. How big is the dog crate because we don’t have room….my cousin is very large.

To: Trolling Craig

Thanks it is a date. The dog box is about 2ftx2ft. It is just a toy poodle.

To: Pat

That may present a problem. We may have to put the mutt in one of the saddle bags. My cousin can hold your bag in the sidecar . We could switch it around and put your clothes in the bag and let him hold the dog, but he is mentally retarded and has a habit of laughing and tossing things.

To: Trolling Craig

A sidecar?

To: Pat

Ya we will be riding my motorcycle with an attached sidecar from Denver to Dallas. You get the bitchseat. I would let you ride in the sidecar but every time my cousin rides in the bitchseat he pops a boner and stabs me in the back.

To: Trolling Craig

Please tell me you are joking. A motorcycle to Dallas…in this weather? I just told my boyfriend that I screwed his brother and I was leaving and you have a fucking motorcycle?

To: Pat

Would this be a bad time to ask for a hummer in addition to the gas money?

To: Trolling Craig

Fuck off. I will take the bus.